Who knows what Jealousy lies in the Hearts of Men.. Pt II.

I've weathered many failures in my life, I'm not embarrassed to admit (most of the time). These range from professional and academic, to personal and internal. For the most part, I always strive to view my failures as harsh classrooms, there to show me what not to do the next time as I continue (and I always continue) on my way towards realizing my goals.

It's been a long road arriving to where I am today. That's not to say that I am so completely head and shoulders over my peers (although often times, in many facets of life, that seems to be the case)--rather, it's to illustrate just how far behind I was for the first third of my life thanks to laziness, low self-esteem, lack of social capital, etc.

Growing up, I had absolutely no sense of self-esteem or pride, especially with regards to my physical appearance. I made a concerted effort to get that taken care of, and I did.

I also had no clue how to effectively interact with people in general, and women in particular. I had no understanding of why people act and respond in the way they do. When it came to women, I was absolutely oblivious to how to even begin associating with them. Once again, I made a choice to get that area of my life handled, and I did.

Thanks to a combination of an absence of role models in my life and my own innate dark tendencies, I wound up early on in a lifestyle that could have only ended in addiction and despair. I decided that that wasn't the life I wanted to look back upon from my death bed, and so I made a decision to uproot my life as I knew it and join the military while I was still young enough to turn things around. Once again, I made a conscious decision to improve myself, and I followed through with it. So, I went from a street urchin to a world-traveled professional in roughly six years.

Unfortunately, as I've come to discover, there is a large contingent of humanity that has extreme difficulty effecting any sort of self-motivated change in their individual lives. Since taking control of their own existence on this planet is so completely out of their realm of imagination, when I speak about my life experiences, what they hear is something like this:


My Reality: "It took a huge amount of effort and determination, a lot of sacrifice and heartache, and a decent amount of failure, but I'm at a point now where I'm in a pretty good position professionally."

What 'they' hear: "I'm in a pretty good position professionally, and you're not, so allow me to rub it in your face (because of course the situation is totally out of your control)."

My Reality: "I made a lot of poor decisions early on, which resulted in me having to implement some serious damage-control later on in life. However, they do make for some interesting and hilarious stories, so I'm glad those bad choices were at least good for something."

What 'they' hear: "I have had such an interesting and zany life, and you haven't, so allow me to rub it in your face (because of course you never had a fair opportunity to do anything interesting with your life)."

My Reality: "Thanks to a lot of poor advice and my own natural-born clumsiness with females, I spent the first 20+ years of my life getting flat-rejected and laughed at by more girls than you or I can count. Since then however, I've made a focused effort to study up on human interaction, humbly solicit advice from those guys I know who are successful with women, and start taking pride and care with my physical appearance. As a result, I've managed to improve my lot to the point where I've been lucky enough to successfully land several very beautiful girlfriends, a scenario I could not have even imagined not so many years ago."

What 'they' hear: "I get so many beautiful girls all the time, because I've just got it like that and you don't (and once again, of course, the situation is completely out of your control).


I've found that the specific lessons to be learned from this phenomenon are (1) find and keep friends who have a similar world view to yours when it comes to decidedly setting and accomplishing goals in all (not just one or two) facets of life; and (2) when circumstances such as work, school, etc., dictate that you must interact with those passive-aggressive type individuals who do not share your world view, e.g. that, for the most part, we are all directly responsible for our own destiny, in those situations just keep your mouth shut when it comes to any topic outside of the objective one at hand.

Differences in opinion when it comes to politics, music, culture, religion, etc., are (usually) wonderful, and in that sense I relish the opportunity to be around those who think differently than I do. When it comes to how you run your own life, however, if someone isn't prepared to accept the fact that even the smallest choices they make are directly connected to the life they live day in and day out, then from this point on I have no interest in bringing someone like that into my reality. We may work together, study together, or even be related--but that's where it ends.

Like 50 Cent's grandfather used to tell him when he was a kid: "In life, you'll get as far as the muthafuckaz you talk to for no reason." From now on, I'm taking care of who I talk to.

Living With J.O.S.E.

You know it's funny, in our society, we never really associate the negative traits of cattiness or petty jealousy with men. Of course, we men carry with us an entire host of foul social baggage - however, I think most folks would agree that when one imagines individuals holding grudges against another member of the same sex for being 'attractive' or 'popular with the opposite sex,' we generally think of women. After thirty years of being on this planet, I have come to realize that men can and do engage in this practice at least as much as women. Let me explain...

I was a pretty ugly kid and teenager, as many of my peers (and even adults and family) had the courtesy to inform me while as I was growing up. I didn't really like eating, so as a result, I was rail-skinny, with a sunken-in face and black circles under my eyes, and a disproportionately large head. Combine that with the most stubbornly stiff hair outside of China (I had the same 'Dumb and Dumber' haircut for the first 17 years of my life), and we're talking complete rejection by females. It was pretty pathetic. Needless to say, I remained a virgin all the way through high school. Nope, not even a kiss.

Fast forward to my very early twenties - I started to eat and lift weights. I bought some clothes that fit. I shaved my useless hair off. I went to Coney Island and got a suntan. Then, one day, my friend's girlfriend at the time made a remark about me being "hot." I was flabbergasted. Up to that point, I had never imagined myself as being attractive to the opposite sex, in my wildest dreams. It was such a new concept to me. I had pretty much given up on the idea of ever attracting females through anything besides luck or whatever 'witty' conversation I could nervously manage (which was none) long ago.

Fast forward again, to almost a decade later. After enormous trial and effort, major self-reassessment, and a couple of heartbreaks (including that devastating first one that we all go through), I have had what I think anyone can call 'success' with the opposite sex. I have a solid understanding of how to attract the women I want (if I'm not in a relationship). I also have a abundant 'fantasy file': vivid memories of past girlfriends and others to keep me upbeat on those rainy days. I'm not trying to brag - rather, trying to point out that it was only once I started to see success with the opposite sex, that I began to feel the evil eyes from my own fellow males.

The 'haters' tend to fall into one of two general categories: (1) Middle-aged, (unhappily) married men with children, usually short, fat, and balding; or (2) Younger, grumpy guys who are unsuccessful with women who, ironically, are also usually short, fat, and balding.

Now of course I have no friends that fit into these categories - the few I did are now ex-friends, precisely because they proved themselves to be 'haters'. Nowadays, I tend to come into forced contact with these types mostly through work or school.

Just a few of the experiences I have had with these 'admirers':

1. When I worked construction years ago, while I was dating my first girlfriend (the "flawless" half-asian). She came to meet me for lunch one day on the Brooklyn Bridge, where we were replacing the roadway. Once my foreman (who used to catcall fat housewives in spandex powerwalking over the bridge) and coworkers (who all fit into one of the two categories I laid out above) saw my girlfriend, who was wearing an awesome sundress and heels, their attitude towards me changed immediately. "What the hell is she doing with you," my foreman muttered after lunch. It got to the point after a couple of weeks where me and the foreman almost came to blows as a result of his behavior towards me. Needless to say, I 'quit and got fired' not long afterwards.

2. In the military, I made the mistake of talking about my love life (in very normal, casual terms, e.g. "I'm going to hang out with a couple of college girls this weekend") in front of some of the, you guessed it, middle-aged, short, fat, and balding sergeants. Lo and behold, their attitude also changed, and so did our work relationship.

3. During our 'graduate school prom' recently, I ended up taking home a very fine 21yr old from the party that several - wait for it - short, fat, and balding classmates of mine were ogling over all night. Once again, attitudes towards me changed like day to night, and a couple of those balding classmates who I was on friendly terms with before, now give me sideways glances (not that I could care less).

The only other friend of mine who likes to keep the company of beautiful girls has noticed the same phenomenon. Bizarre.

Forget "evil." What I really want to know is, "what jealousy lies in the hearts of men" - and why?